When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
