Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
