he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
