I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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