I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
