you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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