I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
