There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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