Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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