Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
