I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
