my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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