well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
