my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
