R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
