I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
