I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
