my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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