somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my shit smells like andre
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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