Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
