you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
