and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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