Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Drunk is not a location!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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