My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
