whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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