Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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