My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
