you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
