Jerry, you need to find god
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
