I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize