We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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