You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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