i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
