He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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