Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
