shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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