I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
