Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just saw a hot homeless man
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
