im drinking this country out of the recession.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
