the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
