I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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