remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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