life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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