we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Randomize
