don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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