it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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