I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
did i just pee glitter
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
