Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
