It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
