Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
