Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
