"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
