miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize