I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
