This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
