Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
