i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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