I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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