I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
